7/25/21 “A Relationship GPS” by Nancy E. Petty

Mark 6:30-34, 53-56 II Samuel 11: 1-15

The intersection of scripture and our personal lives is often overlooked in sermons unless it has to do with some deep theological issue like sin or forgiveness or our eternal salvation. From this pulpit, we focus a lot on where and how our faith is lived out in the public square fighting for justice and equality for all people. I hope we never lose that focus. And yet, sometimes when we gather in this space for worship what we need to hear most is a word spoken about very personal and practical issues that we are struggling with in our lives and in our homes. This morning, I want to name in this public space an issue that some might think too personal: how the pandemic has impacted our most intimate relationships.

As we begin to come out of isolation of the last 16 months, there is a tsunami of research covering the various aspects of our relationships that the pandemic has impacted significantly. An internet search will reveal hundreds of scholarly articles presenting this research. Much of it focusing on the stress and strain the pandemic has created within our homes and in the relationships with those whom we dwell. One such body of research, The Life Project, a series on the BBC, noted that divorce is up 122% in the UK and that “divorce rates are increasing around the world, and relationship experts warn the pandemic-induced break-up curve may not have peaked yet.”

Our normal ways of seeing others as we try to stay safe and keep others safe have dramatically shifted during the pandemic. We have found ourselves spending more time than before with those who we share living space, whether family, housemates or both. One study noted that “losing face-to-face contact with people and being thrown into much closer contact than usual can feel stressful and may be worrying, frightening or even unbearable.” (Mental Health Foundation, Nurturing our Relationships during the Coronavirus Pandemic)   These stresses over the past 16 months have been hard to cope with, and in many cases disorienting. As I have returned to in-person pastoral care sessions, I have had affirmed what the research is saying. After months of isolation and just trying to survive the pandemic, we are all beginning to reassess our priorities and what we value and that includes our relationships.

One evening, as I was reflecting on what I have been reading about the impact of the pandemic on relationships, I has this thought. I thought: “wouldn’t it be great if we had a relationship GPS.” A device that would warn us of troubled areas ahead, of optional routes to take to avoid problem areas, places to pull off when we needed to take a break, how to navigate areas in our relationships that are still under construction, and the closest place to refuel. Healthy relationships require much care and nurturing in normal times. In stressful times, this care and nurturing can feel overwhelming and most of the time, we have to guide to direct us. The pandemic has thrown us all into what has felt like, at times, survival mode. And when we are simply trying to survive there is not a lot of energy to give that extra care and nurture that our relationships need to remain healthy.

Maybe your experience has been different with your relationships over the past 16 months. Maybe this time has brought you closer to those with whom you share space and love and are in relationship with. If so, be grateful for that grace. Be present to those you know who are struggling. But if you find yourself struggling to connect or reconnect in your primary and/or secondary relationships, for we know that friendships have also been deeply impacted during the pandemic, know that you are not alone.

By now, you must be wondering what the story of David and Bathsheba and Uriah – a story of rape and deceit and harmful relationships – has to offer in terms of a relationship GPS. What helpful guidance can this story offer us? A story seemingly packed with relationship failures and grave mistakes. Well, it has been my experience in life that I learn the most from my mistakes and failures rather than my successes and when I get something right. I find great comfort in this for the simple reason that every situation is a learning moment and there is, most of the time, another chance to try again. And this gives me hope.

First, the story. It is a familiar one. “From his rooftop, David notices his attractive neighbor, Bathsheba, washing. He send his men to take her back to the palace, he has sex with her, and she conceives. In an attempt to cover up the pregnancy, David recalls Bathsheba’s husband Uriah from the siege of Rabbah, but Uriah has too much integrity to sleep with his wife while the rest of the army and the ark are camping in tents. [David’s scam fails. So in a plan B,] David orchestrates Uriah’s death in battle, [and] he assumes the disaster has been averted.” But as we know, cover-ups rarely work for the good.

In an article from Theology of Work Project Bible Commentary the writer notes: “Over the course of history, this encounter between David and Bathsheba has often been described as adultery, which implies mutual consent. However, as we examine the details, we see that it is actually sexual abuse of power, in other words, rape. Neither the text nor the context supports the conclusion that it was an affair between two consenting adults. People who think Bathsheba seduced David by bathing outside his window may not realize that Hebrew verb rachats, used for Bathsheba’s action literally means “wash” which is how it is translated elsewhere in this narrative. There is no reason to assume that Bathsheba was naked, or that she was aware that the king, who should have been with his army, would have been watching from his rooftop like a peeping Tom. People who think that she agreed to come to the palace willingly do not understand that when an ancient ruler summoned a subject to the palace, the subject had no choice but to comply.

So how do we plug this information into our relationship GPS? Why is this information about Bathsheba important? In relationships, we are always faced with power dynamics and the potential for the abuse of power. Whether it is emotional, physical, financial, or otherwise these places of power can be harmful in relationships. In any relationship, it is so important to recognize where we hold power and where the power dynamic is unequal.

One relationship professional noted: “Our power in relationships comes from the ability to make empowered choices about them, and feel like our advocacy for those choices is listened to, trusted, respected and valued by our partners…When a relationship’s power balance is out of whack, we lose our ability to affect these desired changes with one another in good faith – and feel mutually loved and supported along the way. This typically leads to feelings of neglect, resentment, anger, sadness and disappointment, and conflict ensues.” (Adam Maynard, 11 Warning Signs There’s An Unhealthy Power Dynamic In Your Relationship)

In our story of David and Bathsheba, David had all the power and Bathsheba had none. There was no chance for anything in that relationship to be consensual or mutual on Bathsheba’s part. In my imaginary relationship GPS there would be an alert to places of unequal power in the relationship. But since we don’t have a relationship GPS how does one know when power dynamics come into play? There are some warning signs. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking up for yourself in a relationship there might be an unhealthy power dynamic. If your feelings or opinions are not taken into consideration when making decisions in a relationship that can be another warning sign of an unhealthy power dynamic. And if you find yourself working harder at the relationship than the other person that might be yet another sign.

In healthy relationships there is a balance of power in which both partners are able to contribute their thoughts, opinions and feelings equally. Power is not all bad, but when it is not balanced, it contributes to unhealthy relationships.

If David activates a GPS alert of danger, Uriah alerts us to two relationship dynamics that are crucial for safe and healthy relationships: integrity and respect. In good faith, Uriah acted with integrity and respect in each of his relationships – to David his king, Bathsheba his wife, and even to his fellow battle mates.

Integrity can mean different things to different people. It often means being able to stick with your principles and values while treating others with respect. In our primary relationships it also means vulnerability, honesty and authenticity. Simply put, it means telling the truth and making sure your actions match your words. Integrity is what helps us build trust and respect in relationships, and without these our relationships become unhealthy.

To illustrate the power of integrity in relationship, I turn to a story from a year ago. It is not a story of two people living together in relationship but it beautifully illustrates the kind of integrity all relationships need to be healthy

Ivan Fernandez Anaya was just about to finish a cross country race in Spain in June of last year when he notice Abel Mutai, a Kenyan athlete who’d been in the lead, began to slow down as he approached the finish line. Abel did not speak Spanish so he got confused by the signs and thought he had already won. Ivan saw what we happening in an instant and could have easily darted past his opponent to win the race himself. Instead, he slowed his own pace and pointed Abel towards the real finish line securing victory.

A reporter asked Ivan, “Why did you do this?” Ivan replied, “My dream is that one day we can have some sort of community life where we push ourselves and also others to win.” The reporter insisted “But why did you let the Kenyan win?” Ivan replied, “I didn’t let him win, he was going to win. The race was his.” The reporter insisted and asked again, “But you could have won.” Ivan looked at him and replied: “But what would be the merit of my victory? What would be the honor [the integrity] of this medal?”

Integrity is knowing yourself and your intentions in life and particularly in your relationships. It is making sure your actions match your words. It is being honest and sincere about your reactions. It is about your willingness to listen and receive feedback from your relationship. And it is about seeing the person you are in relationship with as a person of worth and value and respect and treating them as such. In healthy relationships it is not about “winning” – winning the argument, having it your way all the time or being right. In healthy relationships, each partner supports the other in being their best self, in reaching their goals, in sharing their successes and happiness. That is part of relationship integrity.

Uriah maintained his integrity with David, with Bathsheba his wife, and in his other relationships to whom he had a responsibility. He respected and valued each of them. And although that integrity and respect and trust was not reciprocated by David and Joab, Uriah stayed true to his principles and values of what it meant to him to be in relationship.

I have often said that being in an intimate, healthy relationship with another person is one of, if not the hardest, things we do in life. There is so much room for things to go awry – human mistakes that result in mistrust, miscommunication, dishonesty. All the things that can cause separation and isolation in a relationship – growing apart, a widening gap in values, complacency, diverging interests, and now, as we have learned the impact of a global pandemic.

So where does our relationship GPS take us from here? Does it offer us any good news? Here’s what I want you to hear from me today. Healthy relationships take work, attention and intentionality. Don’t believe people who say “if you are having to work at your relationship so hard then maybe it’s not worth it.” Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to release each other from a relationship. But I’m not sure a good reason should be because it took too much work. Healthy relationships take work – good work that leads to balanced power, integrity and respect. Sometimes that good work leads us down separate paths. And, that good, hard work always has the possibility to hold a relationship together so that it can deepen and grow, even in the midst of stressful times.

There is no magic formula, there is no relationship GPS that will ensure a healthy, meaningful, fulfilling relationship. But our faith reminds us that if we root our relationships in shared power, in integrity, in respect, in authenticity, in honesty we will live at peace with ourselves and with a greater possibility of living at peace with those whom we share intimacy and purpose.

If you are struggling in a relationship, there is no shame in that. If your relationship is falling apart, you are not a failure. When our relationships go through hard times, it doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other. Neither does it mean that there is something wrong with us. If you need help with a relationship, reach out to someone and ask for help. You are not alone and your relationship is not the only one that is possibly feeling the impact of the last 16 months. The good news of our faith is that there is always grace upon grace; and that God is always working to complete a good thing within us and within our relationships.